Boundaries & Relationships

Overview

If you find the concept of healthy boundaries difficult to understand, think of other types of boundaries: property lines, fences, lines in the sand, buoys marking off the deep end. Do you have any such markers, limits, or “stop signs” in your personal life?

Why do I need boundaries?

If you don’t set healthy boundaries, you’re likely to constantly be at the mercy of others.

If you allow others to tell you how to think, act, and feel, it means you’ll tend to spend your time and energy doing what others want you to do, instead of what you deep down want to do. In the long term this can lead to frustration, depression and inner emptiness.

At its worse, not setting or maintaining good boundaries, allows others to do things that are upsetting, or even harmful to you.

Common Signs of Poor or No Boundaries

1. Your relationships tend to be difficult or dramatic.

The less you set healthy boundaries, the more you signal to others that you don’t know how to take care of yourself. This leaves you open to attracting people who want to manipulate or control you. Beside this, if you rarely stand up for yourself, you yourself may resort to unconsciously manipulating others.

2. You find decision making a real challenge.

You can spend so much of your life doing what others want that you to be or to do, you’ll lose your sense of self-worth. This means you often won’t really know what you want.

3. You really hate to let other people down.

People without personal limits tend to go along with other people’s plans. They worry so much about letting other people down, they just say, “yes.” People pleasing is your main motivation … in everything.

4. Two words describe your inner reality: guilt, anxiety and outright fear.

If you ever dare say, “yes,” you probably suffer from ongoing guilt and fear. Often, people with boundary issues feel guilty for the smallest things— Like taking the last piece of cake, or asking someone to move over on a sofa so you, too, can sit.

5. Frequently, you are tired for no apparent reason.

Always doing what others want means you are left to cram your own life in the time leftover. This can be exhausting. But never identifying and pursuing your own dreams in life can also cause a sense of fatigue, as it can cause mild depression.

6. Sharing your true feelings and thoughts is extremely difficult … and often impossible..

You tend to overshare private details of your life with people you just met, leaving you open to hurt and manipulation. But when someone wants to be close with you, you panic. You don’t know how to share your own needs and wants, nor do you want to risk lest sharing, lest you be shunned. This fear of judgement by others often leads to intimacy issues.

7. You are constantly the victim of situations.

This means you tend to feel like a victim, because things always seem to go wrong for you. Perhaps you feel overlooked or blamed— at work, in your family, and in your social circles. In addition to negative events in your life, others take advantage of you in both obvious and subtle ways.

8. You are annoyed most of the time.

On a certain level, you feel taken advantage of, used, or controlled by others.

9. You regularly feel that others don’t show you respect.

If you don’t set boundaries, people won’t know how to act around you, and you will be left feeling disrespected.

The other side of this coin is that without your own boundaries you are less likely to spot boundaries of others, and you might be unwittingly disrespecting their limits.

10. You might just be passive aggressive.

First you let others take the advantage. Then you try to manipulate back the energy and power you lost by nagging the other person, or complaining, or even punishing them in little ways. In other words, a bad case of passive aggression.

You might also blame others all the time. Which is a way of not facing up to the fact that you didn’t set a boundary, and that you are the one who is responsible for your life.

11. You often wonder who you really are.

It’s likely that you have an identity crisis and are unclear on your purpose in life. This results in a struggle to set goals.

12. Your secret fear is of being rejected or abandoned.

Lacking healthy boundaries goes back to childhood. It often means you didn’t have a caregiver who provided unconditional love and acceptance. You had to do what others wanted in order to avoid being rejected or abandoned. Now as an adult, these are the two things you fear the most.

Why do I lack the ability to set boundaries? Weak boundary setting can also come from childhood trauma. Things like sexual abuse give a child the message that they don’t matter, or deserve to have boundaries. Flimsy or no boundaries are sometimes a learned behavior. You witnessed a parent gain their sense of self through pleasing.

Ask yourself these questions:

If you are not sure you set healthy boundaries, or indeed have any at all, ask yourself these questions.

• How often do I worry about what other people think?

• Do I feel guilty for wanting to do things by myself?

• When did I last say no to someone?

• When did I last say yes to something I secretly didn’t want to do?

• Do I feel like I deserve respect or I have to earn it by being “nice”?

• And the 10 things I most like to do with my time? Can I quickly come up with them?

• What are the 10 things I hate doing? Do I even have strong feelings about things?

• When I think about saying “no” to someone, do I feel afraid, or calm inside?

The top 10 boundary-setting symptoms: 

1. You aren’t honest with others when you feel you’re not being treated right.

2. Letting other people define you, or give your life meaning.

3. Saying “no” makes you feel guilty, or like you letting people down.

4. Trying to please everyone around you just so you can feel needed.

5. Accepting things even when you don’t want them— having a hard time turning down offers, gifts, invitations, or requests.

6. Being unable to handle something just so someone can take care of it for you.

7. Doing what someone else wants even if it’s against your values, ethics, or your moral compass.

8. Falling quickly for someone you don’t know well, or who has reconnected with you.

9. Crossing someone’s physical boundaries without permission.

10. Letting someone touch you or have sex with you even if you don’t want to.

 Recommended Books

Boundary Setting: A Practical Guide by Dr. Jim Stout — A quick, easy read that provides practical tips and strategies

Boundary Setting: For Clergy and Ministry Workers by Dr. Jim Stout — Learn life-enhancing boundary-setting tips from others who've "been there"

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, and Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud, Ph. D. and John Townsend, Ph. D. — An excellent book that provides useful tactics

Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud, Ph. D. — An easy read with solid information on causes of relationship stresses, and tips on ending a work, marriage, or other relationship

Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices that make or Break a Loving Relationship by Henry Cloud, Ph. D. and John Townsend, Ph. D. — Good tips for improving and healing marriage strains

Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships by Henry Cloud, Ph. D. and John Townsend, Ph. D. — Helpful ways to enhance dating decisions

Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents: Finding Balance between Burnout and Respect by Allison Bottke — Informative and uplifting information

Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents by Allison Bottke — Inspirational and helpful information

How to Connect with Your Troubled Adult Children: Effective Strategies form Families in Pain by Allison Bottke — Practical and hope-giving information

Encouragement

Don’t worry, there’s hope! The Bible is filled with examples heroes who were angry, hurt, depressed, skeptical, doubtful of God, and/or suicidal. Check out these statements of hope.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
—Jeremiah 29:11

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
—Isaiah 43:2