I Will Come Through This Bitter or Better

How unfair, how cruel . . . of God to take me through this long, drawn-out ordeal. It’s been a tormenting endurance for months, years. I feel trapped in a lose-lose deal. I’ve read the Bible, over and over, for answers and guidance. I and others have prayed and prayed for this whole messy, hurtful situation to be resolved in positive ways. Yet, no clear answers . . . other than more of the same old obstacles . . . and more pain.

The clashes, confrontations, conflicts, and disappointments have been nearly constant. It’s been a long battle, and I see no end and no escape. For a long time, I’ve borne the worry, fear, frustration, resentment, anger, and hopelessness over this ugly “situation.”

It is emotionally draining and spiritually taxing to endure the ups, and mostly downs, of trying new approaches. But nothing’s really worked, other than for very brief, temporary changes.

Yes, I’m deeply hurt and I simmer with resentment at being so often victimized by guilt-tripping comments, broken promises, put-downs, and other wounds. Each “wrong” word or action they take is like a renewed prick from the unshakable burr in my saddle.

It’s little comfort for me to rationalize and minimize their wrongs.  “They’re doing the best they can, as wounded people themselves. Plenty of people have far worse situations than you. Look how much worse things could be for you.”

So I grieve my lost hopes, bitter disappointments, and smashed dreams. Although most of the time I won’t admit it, I’m angry with God—for misleading me, double-crossing me, disappointing me.

And now, with the realistic prospect of things NEVER getting better . . . I guess I have no other option than to look to God, the Scriptures, my Christian friends—for the strength and guidance to keep trying to be of best help for these emotionally injured persons who cause so much harm to others—and to me. I need God’s guidance and help in protecting myself from more damage from these toxic people.

At this point, my choices, as I see them, are:

A—To “nurse and rehearse” my deep wounds of disappointment, which, I know, will only drown me in self-pity, resentment, bitterness, cynicism, and depression, OR

B—To “disperse” my negative reactions by:

  • Nurturing my other relationships and friendships,
  • Seeking God and his will in my life,
  • Getting professional counseling reassurance and guidance,
  • Replacing old, broken hopes, and finding new dreams, projects, hobbies,
  • Experimenting with new ways of healing my injuries, nurturing myself, and moving on with my life,
  • Re-inventing myself, my goals, my self-image, my unique purpose in life, or
  • Reminding myself of some of God’s special promises:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
—Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

“Though you have made me see troubles,

many and bitter,

you will restore my life again;

 from the depths of the earth

you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor

and comfort me once more.”
—Psalm 71: 20, 21 NIV

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart

 and lean not on your own understanding;

 in all your ways submit to him,

 and he will make your paths straight.”
—Proverbs 3:5, 6 NIV

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Hi, I'm Jim. I've been through the emotional wringer. I've been a successful pastor and leader and a loving father, but I've also been suicidally depressed. I'll teach you the techniques I used to heal myself, and give you the tools to reclaim your life and move forward!

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